Emotional Heimlich

One of my favorite lines from Pushing Daisies:

Charlotte: I can’t even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I’m not a big fan of the hug,
Charlotte: Then you haven’t been hugged properly. It’s like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.

That's what I needed this weekend - and emotional Heimlich!  

These past two weeks, I have lost the same pound and a half 3 times.  I have eaten roughly the same amount I have been eating, I have been exercising the same amount, the only variable has been that I started back to school (lots of stresses).  I have not however been tempted to eat anything high carb or naughty (except last night).  Saturday morning I stepped onto the scale and after 13 days I was EXACTLY where I had started 13 days ago.  sigh.  internal scream.

Friday, I was standing in line to get a diet coke (I needed the caffeine that morning as I was about to go to a meeting being lead by a person who treats me like I've never taught before {going on my 15th year here!}) and I looked next to the cash register and they were selling little bottles of Jack Daniels and other spirits.  My first thought was, "Hmm, I wonder which one of those is Low Carb..."  My second thought was, "It is 7:30 in the morning, Rachel, and you are NOT  a drinker! This is baaaaaaaaaaaad!"  I am such a teetotaler! I had a martini 2 months ago and before that....Liam wasn't even born or conceived yet! (Liam's 19 months old)

Saturday, I drove up to Pennsylvania for a friend's father's memorial service.  It was a beautiful service.  It did bring up many thoughts of Bethany's death and how I still haven't recovered from her loss (not sure I ever will) and worry for my friend who lost her father.  Sitting there I realized why many people are drawn to church after they loose a loved one.  It is very comforting to know that their spirit is someplace safe and waiting to see you again.  Unfortunately for me, every time the priest would talk about where your soul goes my father's speech about how we are all candles in the dark and when you die they are blown out and you are gone.  So, needless to say, I had very conflicting conversations with myself during the service.   

Saturday evening, I drove to the market to get medicine for the Liam (major case of allergies) and I was giddy with the thought of getting ice cream.  While I was driving I was thinking, "Why do you want ice cream, you are not hungry."  I realized I was trying to fill up the dark needy hole in my heart with ice cream (food drug of choice).  At a red light, I texted Gretchen and she texted me down off of the ledge of filling emotional dark holes with ice cream (modern technology lovely thing!). 

This morning, I am down a pound and a half (AGAIN!) so we'll see if I loose a half pound today otherwise I've lost the two week bet...dum dum dum...again.

Trying to be reflective on my weight loss process, I came to a couple of conclusions.  Once when I had lost this weight (prior to having babies) my body really liked being this weight.  It took a lot of effort to break this particular number on the scale (I broke it with diet pills and other crazy what-nots and I'm not willing to go that route again).  Now, I'm unsure if it is because I start to feel good about myself and slack on my diet or if it is truly a plateau.  I think I will be extra stringent when examining how much and what I am eating as well as bump up my exercise regime this week.   The other conclusion I hashed out was the mind/body connection.  If you are stressed you will not loose weight.  That good old "fight or flight" response.  I am having to deal with stress at school, not from the students (I am pretty good about getting that stress under control), but with the staffing situation at work, the adults!  Since it is the beginning of the school year and I thus I am stuck here I have to find a way to deal with the anxiety and stress.  I think that I will have to channel that into exercise as I'm not willing to go the ice cream route. 

After many hugs from my hubby, my children and writing this blog, I have achieved the Emotional Heimlich!  I am very hopeful for the next two week beg weight loss!

Tomorrow Starts the new School Year

Today is my last day of FREEDOM!  Tomorrow I start shaping little minds (insert evil laugh ....kidding). 

I have been thinking about putting the word "Choose" up on my desk where I can see it every day.  This way I can try to be cognizant of the choices I am making:

I can choose:
~to put food into my body that will help me be healthy
~to put the important things first, like family & friends
~to keep out of the drama that occurs when working with a bunch of ladies (the drama!)
~to make sure that I am mentally in a healthy place
~to be patient with myself and with others
~to be true to my weight bet and my exercise bet

We will see how this school year plays out, it has already started off horribly and the kids aren't even in the building yet!  I am very hopeful that things will even out and be a good year.  :)

Week 26 done - 14 to go

I have to keep checking my calendar because it is so hard for me to believe that we finished 26 weeks of this little diet pact!  I am in awe of what we have accomplished!  I have lost 40 pounds yes 4 tens, 8 fives, 40 pounds!

While I was shopping for clothing (because everything is too big muhhahahahahhhhahaha!) I realized that all of my clothing was very plain.  Not that there is anything wrong with plain.  Most of the things in my closet are 1) solid colors 2) darker colors 3) no patterns anywhere!  I have been thinking about it and wondering if I was consciously choosing clothing that allowed me to fade into the background or was I just trying to hide? I just don't know. 

While shopping online I still looked at Eddie Bauer and I'm loving their stuff!  And to top it off when I went shopping, I strolled through Lane Bryant and had absolutely NO desire to buy anything! I kept looking at it saying, "I own too many of these kinds of shirts!"  and since I can now shop in a REGULAR store (can you hear angels singing? I can!) I left feeling really good about my successes this year!

I can't remember the last time I had so much fun shopping for clothing! let me repeat: I had fun shopping for clothing! ::chuckle::  AND I looked good in my new purchases! woohoo!

A personal Goal is achieved!

There is now a full length mirror hanging in my house!  For the longest time I refused to have a full length mirror due to wanting to remain blissfully ignorant.  Even after my sister had mentioned it might be a good idea for Joseph and Liam to be able to see themselves.  (Joseph was convinced he had green eyes for the longest time because he spent maybe 3 seconds looking in the mirror when we pulled him out of the tub.)  Nope, even then I didn't get one, in fact I refused to have one in the house.  As a result if I wanted to see how my outfit looked on my body (because usually I just bought stuff and then took it home and tried it on) I would have to precariously perch on the lip of the tub to see into our bathroom mirror.  When Joe found out about that little trick of mine he was not to happy with me... woops. 

Now...we have one....I can close the door to our bedroom and see my whole body, for better (hopefully) or worse (hopefully not!). 

Week 24 coming to a close

and for the first time.......wait for it.....wait for it....I will not make my 2 pound weight bet. sigh.

Last week, I was on track lost my two pounds early, I started "the Shred" with Jillian Micheal.  Then this week, I had to travel for a conference and when I got back was hit by a big bout of "why am I doing this?"  In fact I texted my sister and called Holly with that same question.  

"Why are we doing this, can't we just be happy being fat?"

Holly's response was, "Because we weren't happy when we were fat!"

Gretchen's response, "Give yourself a break, we didn't start the bet thinking that we would never fail in a two week round."

My ALL OR NOTHING self said, "Yes, that was the plan to never ever fail, to always be perfect! perfect I say!"

So, when I gave myself a break and relaxed I got on the scale and weighed 3 pounds more than I weighed two days prior.  sigh.  boo.  Is there supposed to be a lesson here? hmmm

If you have never done the Shred, it is very knee intensive...a lot of squats.  My knees feel like broken Barbie knees...crunch crunch crunch. So, Ms. Micheal, I am going to 'phone it in' (what ever that means) and do a combination of shred and something else. :P

I got up this morning (Saturday) and am down one pound of the three gained, so basically...I am where I started.  I doubt that I will be able (nor should I) try and loose the two I had gained in 48 hours. 

What lesson am I supposed to learn from this? huh? bleck.

16 weeks to go! yippy skippy....boo hiss....Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

Over half way done - Week 22 down 18 more to go!

Vacations and summer have me missing the mid way mark.  My brain is so on summer mode that I haven't been posting anything.  I made it even though my scale was out of sight out of mind.  Yay! Holly made it, Yay! Gretchen and Elizabeth will hopefully post soon (hint,hint).

So, as I have been fitting into clothing more, I have been noticing all things fashionable lately.  I have even purchased some fashion magazines and thumbed through them (although I don't think I'm sold on the Pocahontas look for fall!) Then, I've been actually looking at the types of clothing that I usually wear.  Everything is basically in the same hue range and 99% of it is solid colors.  So, to try and stretch myself I went shopping.  My thinking was: I need to stretch myself and wear something less.....tent like (?) and more structure...and goodness look for some kind of patterns!  So after 2 days of shopping...I bought...a dress and it is a solid black dress no patterns. Now it is strapless maxi dress (floor length) and I am very happy that it fits well.  Not sure I can EVER wear it to work unless I get some kind of shrug or find a half jacket.  But it is c-u-t-e!  Maybe if I find some kind of cute big belt (?) I don't know.  sigh.  I don't know why I have such an aversion to patterns...I guess I feel like I'll look like a table cloth or something.  bleck!  who knows!   The one thing that kept me very focused on what I was buying was because I have plans to lose about 40 - 50 more pounds (oops, I just checked 51 pounds to be considered in the "normal" range) and I don't want to buy anything that I don't absolutely LOVE or NEED seeing as I don't plan on wearing it long.  I think I need to change my mantra from "it won't taste as good as skinny feels" to "will that help you get to wearing those fashionable clothing you are drooling over?"  I think that it is time to allow a full length mirror into our house. 

Speaking of "normal" weight, the BMI calculator says that 159 for 5'7" is in "normal" but 160 is "overweight" and for 5'7" 120 is considered underweight and 121 is "normal."  *If* I got down to 120 - let alone 125 I think I would look emaciated! There would be no way for my body to maintain that kind of weight....unless I started living on diet pills and parsley!  So I'm going to say I will shoot for 160...screw the 1 pound difference between overweight and normal...I just don't want the OBESE demarcation!  I will be able to drop the O demarcation when I reach 183.  sigh....long road ahead....long road.

So, I'm doing horribly on my summer mini challenge to run a mile by the end.  But, I did start Jillian Micheal's 30 Shred.  Holly and I started yesterday and we measured all our parts (neck, waist, bust, and hips) and began.  I can say the first day I thought I was going to die!  Today I was MUCH better and able to do at least one of the 30 interval jumping jacks with arms, the other two I had to drop my arms to my waist.  28 days to go!  I think after the 30 Shred then I'll see how my running is doing. 

Monday was the start of my 5th 10 week exercise bet! I can hardly believe it!  This one will take me until we have less than ten weeks on the diet pact.  Oooooo....I can't believe we will be THAT close soon. 

MIA until the 7th

I'm going to maintain or try to maintain for the next two weeks.  I am going to my parents and a family reunion...so lots of temptations.